Grant Henry’s 6 Most Hated Self-Important Statements from Drunk Suck-Ups

Grant Henry at CHURCH

We all have our weird shit we hate. Every Tuesday I have coffee with Grant and Lary (who may or may not actually be there) and we talk about ours. For example, I hate beets and heartless narcissists. Lary hates humanity and street names with the word “Chipmunk” in them. Grant, though, is OCD so he has to categorize his — like there is the  “misleading things to write in a craigslist used-car post” category, and the “common wallpaper patterns of suburbia” category. Grant owns a popular bar in Atlanta. Below are six from his “self-important statements from drunk suck-ups” category:

1. “I know a LOT of people.” Grant does not care if you know a lot of people.

2. “Let me buy you a cup of coffee and tell you about my idea.” Grant would rather drive a spike through his eye than have a cup of coffee and bloviate about “ideas.” It takes away from his time listening to Lary talk about how cats can’t see orange, or how everything in the world is shrinking, including measuring tapes, or about Lary’s stock of autographed pictures of Jesus.

3. “It’ll be good advertising for you.” For Grant and me both this is a buzz phrase that alerts us to turn around and run from the room.

4. “You are invited . . . ” delete.

5. “Here’s what you need to do . . . ” Grant does not need to hear anyone give him business advise him on what he needs to do. His bar was a money-maker from the first day. Whatever he is doing is being done right.

6. “I’m close friends with Hollis Gillespie. This will almost without fail get you thrown out of his bar.

7. “Let’s get together and have fun!” For some reason Grant hates to hear this. “Really? Have fun? What’s the alternative?” I personally don’t see what the big deal is about this one, but whatever. We all have our weird shit we hate.

Typos, if any, are intensional.



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