Inappropriate Conversation

Grant Henry’s CHURCH Rules of Success

CHURCH: It’s a (crowded) Bar

In 2010, at the genesis of his CHURCH bar, Grant Henry published a set of rules for the success of the business. Two years later CHURCH now pulls in over $1 million a year. Below are Grant’s initial rules and how well they fared:

THEN: “Smoking Only on the Patio:  I value our lungs and I value smelling fresh when I leave CHURCH.  (i still love you)”
NOW: “Best thing I ever did. Everyone thought I was stupid. Now all these other bars have all followed suit.”

THEN: No Wi-Fi in CHURCH:  “There is nothing more nauseating to me than seeing a coffee shop/bar filled with dead people.”
NOW: “We killed that. We had to have WiFi because we needed it for iPhones. Facebook is the best marketing.”

THEN: “Social interaction is encouraged. Lots of flow, movement, conversation, information, and laughter with be shared.”
NOW: “Panhandling crack addicts are emphatically no longer welcome in this mix.”

THEN: “Big Bank Fees Suck Ass:  CHURCH will be a cash operation with a convenient, affordable ATM available in case you forget to bring $.  This way, your  drink/food cost is low low low.”
NOW: That lasted maybe the first week. “We need credit cards. Ben Stiller’s group spent $5000, what would they have done? Have every person in their group go to the ATM and get $200 each? (But I pay so much for people to use credit cards. One month I paid over $4000)”

THEN: “Big, Flat Screen TV’s will not be seen in CHURCH:  An array of old school VHS movies will be available for remembrance & ridicule.”
NOW: “I still hate TV. No TV is still the rule.”

THEN: (Legal) Gambling will be encouraged in CHURCH:  We are having a Poker Night in The Upper Room of CHURCH on Tuesdays at 8:00 p.m. with Daniel Stabler.
NOW: “We don’t need any gimicks. CHURCH is enough.”

THEN: JUKE BOX:  “I hate internet juke boxes,  we will have a great, CD Juke Box that Parishioners have input into it’s selection. (Amen!)”
NOW: “We sold our juke box. I was a fool.”

THEN: “Church Organ Community Karaoke with TT Mahony:  Sunday Night Funner’n’Hell Karaoke with a REAL LIVE Church Organist from 8:00 p.m. until 11:00 p.m.”
NOW: “This is still happening.”

THEN: “Play will be celebrated:  Ping Pong, Darts, and Scary Clown Cornholing will be rampant.  Baton Twirling Lessons on the patio.”
NOW: “Baton twirling has taken a back seat to money raking.”

THEN: “Tacky Ass Sister Louisa Art will be plastered on the walls For Sale to balance out the elegance of the fancy CHURCH structure.”
NOW: “Done.”

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