I saw a job opening for World Travel Coordinator for Ponte Travels in Seattle, WA, on Indeed.com. Here is my cover letter:
Hello. Just so you know, I’d rock holy hell out of this job, because who wouldn’t want to be a WORLD TRAVEL COORDINATOR? First, I’m an AMAZING coordinator AND I’m a serious world traveler. I’ve been everywhere except India, where I would have gone two years ago, but my daughter refused because she didn’t want to miss a slumber party (I swear this is true) (and it goes to show how much I’ve spoiled her travel-wise).
Soon she’ll be attending Berkeley, where until recently I planned to get a job as a cafeteria lady so I could embarrass her every day (“Hi, Honey, I think I can feel all my moles changing color”), but then she one-upped me by promising me if I did that she’d get herself a Trump-loving boyfriend and move into the trailer/meth lab that he shares with an old man called “Uncle Touchy.”
So now I am forced to give up my dream of becoming a cafeteria lady at Berkeley and rely upon my actual professional skills, which include, but are not limited to, the fact that I am an award-winning writer, multi-platform marketing specialist, SEO wiz, social-media instructor, administrative genius, qualified tri-lingual foreign-language interpreter, et-awesome-cetera — just suffice it to say I have every skill that makes me irresistible to all the big bureau-trons in the big business of crushing your spirit and sucking your soul out of your eye sockets. I’m done with that and would rather rip out my kidney with a rusty crowbar than go back.
Also, I am literally (and I literally mean “literally” in the literal sense), a professional travel-safety expert, with columns that have appeared in national magazines and television appearances on NBC’s Today Show. Plus, I’m an amazing parallel parker, I like to lift things, I’m good at blocking children from being eaten by bears, I can brighten up the office with my smile, I have a hypnotic phone voice, and I’m a caring people person (which means I’m patient with morons). Sound good? If so, when do I start?
P.S. I will relocate. I can’t wait to leave Atlanta, where today on the street I passed a man wearing a head bandage fashioned from an old Kotex.