Inappropriate Conversation

On Hell and Health Insurance

If I were to look back through my medical file to find the exact reason why it was so difficult for me to find reasonable health insurance recently, I could probably pinpoint it to the section that details my total tapeworm panic of 1998. Not that I actually had a tapeworm or had any rational reason to fear I did, it’s just that I’d recently returned from Costa Rica where I spent a week as a guest in my friend’s flooded garage, and here I was working for this big corporation with a full benefit package, so why not get a check up with complete CAT scan to ensure I didn’t smuggle any Read more →

Personal Savings

If I’m going to be self-employed, aka poor, I suppose I should get the coupon situation figured out. I’ve been clipping them lately, but that’s about as far as I get. I keep forgetting to bring them with me to the grocery store. Hell, I keep forgetting to go to the grocery store. I end up having to buy things one at a time, in the order in which my supply is depleted, at gas-station convenience marts and such, where it costs five bucks for a box of Cheerios.

Then I come home, where Read more →

The Jodi Arias 6 Benefits to Being a Psychopath

 

1. Psychopaths focus on the positive — Jodi Arias said, “Mark my words, no jury will convict me,” even though there were time-stamped photos of her holding her lover Travis Alexander’s severed head by the hair. (Practically)

2. Psychopaths don’t take things personally — Jodi Arias was hardly fazed when the prosecutor showed lurid blowups of the home porn she starred in with Travis right before she butchered him. Then she continued to calmly maintain she was Read more →

My 5 Favorite Atlanta Coffee Houses

 

This post was going to be titled “5 Reasons I Can’t Meet You for Coffee” in response to the barrage of emails I get from people I’ve never met who want me to meet them for coffee to “go over their book idea.” Believe me, you do not want to have coffee with me. For one, I look nothing like my author photo. I’m freakishly photogenic sometimes. Consider the following two completely legitimate pictures taken just days apart: Read more →

Hollywood Suitcase

When I was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno after my first book came out, not a single one of my techno-retard friends taped it and neither did I. It finally fell to my old friend Bob Steed, who is a partner at a prestigious Atlanta law firm and really should have better ways to waste his time, to track down a DVD for me. Today, I keep it in a drawer all by itself. It’s a hallowed thing, the DVD of me on Jay Leno. I’m wearing a vintage early ’60s turquoise-blue cocktail suit my friend Grant bought at a thrift store for Read more →

Grant Henry’s 6 Most Hated Self-Important Statements from Drunk Suck-Ups

Grant Henry at CHURCH

We all have our weird shit we hate. Every Tuesday I have coffee with Grant and Lary (who may or may not actually be there) and we talk about ours. For example, I hate beets and heartless narcissists. Lary hates humanity and street names with the word “Chipmunk” in them. Grant, though, is OCD so he has to categorize his — like there is the  “misleading things to write in a craigslist used-car post” category, and the “common wallpaper patterns of suburbia” category. Grant owns a popular bar in Atlanta. Below are six from his “self-important statements from drunk suck-ups” category: Read more →

9 Reasons Why I Love the Hell Out of Jason MacDonald from Stone Soup Kitchen

1. He looks like Tom Cruise, but minus the cray cray. Like he doesn’t make his wonderful wife, actress Catherine Dyer, incubate his alien spawn or anything. (I would totally incubate Jason’s alien spawn, Catherine!)

2. When one of the parents at my daughter’s school died suddenly and tragically a few years ago, I mentioned it to Jason and he donated a beautiful cornucopia of food to serve at the wake.

3. He flirts with me.

4. When my daughter was seven years old, Jason let her Read more →

7 Reasons Why I Love the Hell Out of Vikki Locke

Vikki Locke is my good friend and the morning DJ for B985FM. We have lunch regularly. I don’t even remember how we started hanging out, maybe it was a hundred years ago when I wrote a cover piece about her for Atlanta magazine. Following are 7 reasons why I love her:

1. If you text her at 10:45 a.m. and jokingly say you’ve already started drinking for the day, she will immediately drop everything and drive to where she thinks you are to join you. (left)

2. The phrase “ass fuck” is commonly bandied about during our lunch conversations at STEEL in Midtown Atlanta.

3. She never, ever — not even on her own birthday — let’s me Read more →

Size Matters; Grant Henry’s Tuesday Tips

Grant Henry

Grant Henry is my best friend and the owner of CHURCH bar in Atlanta. Every Tuesday morning we have coffee at his place. (We used to have coffee at Java Vino, but Grant is too famous now.) Mike is usually there and sometimes Lary is, too. The following is from this morning’s conversation. It may make sense, but probably not:

Grant: My new coffee cups hold half as much as the old ones.

Mike: They’re diet coffee cups.

Grant: No, my old ones were so huge Read more →

A List of 6 Reasons Why I Always Explain Things with a List of 6 Reasons (more or less)

1. I think of web readers as a bunch of drunk frat boys — just do the minimum to tease their attention then hope they look you up again later when they’re sober and can commit more interest.

2. Putting a number in the title of your post is a cheap trick to get people to click on it. Web readers have total A.D.D. and they wanna know ahead of time that they can get through an article in a surmountable list of points. It’s a cheap (and effective) trick.

3. The web is free. To me that means Read more →