Inappropriate Conversation

Hollywood Suitcase

When I was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno after my first book came out, not a single one of my techno-retard friends taped it and neither did I. It finally fell to my old friend Bob Steed, who is a partner at a prestigious Atlanta law firm and really should have better ways to waste his time, to track down a DVD for me. Today, I keep it in a drawer all by itself. It’s a hallowed thing, the DVD of me on Jay Leno. I’m wearing a vintage early ’60s turquoise-blue cocktail suit my friend Grant bought at a thrift store for Read more →

Grant Henry’s 6 Most Hated Self-Important Statements from Drunk Suck-Ups

Grant Henry at CHURCH

We all have our weird shit we hate. Every Tuesday I have coffee with Grant and Lary (who may or may not actually be there) and we talk about ours. For example, I hate beets and heartless narcissists. Lary hates humanity and street names with the word “Chipmunk” in them. Grant, though, is OCD so he has to categorize his — like there is the  “misleading things to write in a craigslist used-car post” category, and the “common wallpaper patterns of suburbia” category. Grant owns a popular bar in Atlanta. Below are six from his “self-important statements from drunk suck-ups” category: Read more →

9 Reasons Why I Love the Hell Out of Jason MacDonald from Stone Soup Kitchen

1. He looks like Tom Cruise, but minus the cray cray. Like he doesn’t make his wonderful wife, actress Catherine Dyer, incubate his alien spawn or anything. (I would totally incubate Jason’s alien spawn, Catherine!)

2. When one of the parents at my daughter’s school died suddenly and tragically a few years ago, I mentioned it to Jason and he donated a beautiful cornucopia of food to serve at the wake.

3. He flirts with me.

4. When my daughter was seven years old, Jason let her Read more →

7 Reasons Why I Love the Hell Out of Vikki Locke

Vikki Locke is my good friend and the morning DJ for B985FM. We have lunch regularly. I don’t even remember how we started hanging out, maybe it was a hundred years ago when I wrote a cover piece about her for Atlanta magazine. Following are 7 reasons why I love her:

1. If you text her at 10:45 a.m. and jokingly say you’ve already started drinking for the day, she will immediately drop everything and drive to where she thinks you are to join you. (left)

2. The phrase “ass fuck” is commonly bandied about during our lunch conversations at STEEL in Midtown Atlanta.

3. She never, ever — not even on her own birthday — let’s me Read more →

Size Matters; Grant Henry’s Tuesday Tips

Grant Henry

Grant Henry is my best friend and the owner of CHURCH bar in Atlanta. Every Tuesday morning we have coffee at his place. (We used to have coffee at Java Vino, but Grant is too famous now.) Mike is usually there and sometimes Lary is, too. The following is from this morning’s conversation. It may make sense, but probably not:

Grant: My new coffee cups hold half as much as the old ones.

Mike: They’re diet coffee cups.

Grant: No, my old ones were so huge Read more →

A List of 6 Reasons Why I Always Explain Things with a List of 6 Reasons (more or less)

1. I think of web readers as a bunch of drunk frat boys — just do the minimum to tease their attention then hope they look you up again later when they’re sober and can commit more interest.

2. Putting a number in the title of your post is a cheap trick to get people to click on it. Web readers have total A.D.D. and they wanna know ahead of time that they can get through an article in a surmountable list of points. It’s a cheap (and effective) trick.

3. The web is free. To me that means Read more →

10 Secrets to Surviving a Plane Wreck

It’s a fallacy to think you can’t survive a plane crash. In fact, surviving the impact is easy, it’s escaping the burning fuselage that takes talent.

1. Don’t drink. Hard, I know, but studies conducted by airlines in the aftermath of deadly evacuations show that the people who comprised the human brickettes left behind were most likely the drunks.

2. Look behind you. People tend to run forward in a panic, but often the difference between life and death is a simple Read more →

5 Surprising Ways to Lose Custody of Your Kids

For the past five years my sister has been blowing my mind with stories about the child-custody cases she’s witnessed while running her family-law practice. This extensive research (five years, people), has so far culminated in the following five surprising ways a perfectly good parent can lose custody in a divorce case:

1. Be the mother. The presumption that mothers have the upper hand in custody battles is a fallacy. Today, Dads have the advantage. My sister thinks it’s because judges are so used to fathers abandoning their kids that they to get all impressed when Read more →

Mom’s Top 20 Ways to Keep Your Young Ass from Gettin’ Killed

1. Stay off the internet. I know that’s, like, impossible, but seriously, the internet is just a giant bog of murdering child-molesting masturbaters. One in five kids who use the internet have experienced an unwanted sexual solicitation, and only 25% of them told a parent about it. Seventy seven percent of the targets of interline predators are 14 and older. The first sign that you are vulnerable to internet predators is thinking you are not vulnerable to internet predators.

2. If a stranger approaches you and tells you he’s a famous photographer and you’d make a wonderful cover model, kick him in the Read more →

More Reality Than You Can Handle

I was hoping to run into some reality stars while I was out in L.A., because I figure they flit around out there like fruit bats. But the only one I saw was Daniel Vosovic from the second season of “Project Runway,” and he was already too encrusted with suck-ass glommers for me to make it worse for him. Don’t get me wrong; I am not at all above tackling a reality TV star in public if I’m the only one subjecting him to the imposition, but I can’t jump into the fray once it’s already started. In short, I can initiate the misery, I just can’t add to it.

So I did not corner any reality stars or even contestants during my trip to L.A. for the national Book Expo last week, but I encountered something Read more →