Inappropriate Conversation

How to Survive a Flaming Forklift

You would think that a flaming forklift would grab my attention, but it’s surprising how unobtrusive those things are in real life. “The forklift is on fire,” Chris said to me almost casually, and I wouldn’t have noticed anything was amiss but Read more →

Other Mothers

Grant’s mother was in town again and, as ever, I was amazed that she didn’t murder me the minute she saw me. Not that I deserve to be killed just for telling the truth about her horny-assed son in newspapers Read more →

Back on the Board

I did not even know it was possible to break your actual ass, but that is what I did. In fact, weeks later I am still limping around like an extra in Dawn of the Dead, complete with moaning, groaning and slobbering Read more →

Lovely Junk

There’s been a one-armed baby in my tree all month, which I didn’t think would be a big deal until the neighbors kept pointing it out like I misplaced it or something Read more →

A Seriously Fine Fire

I find it incredible that Lisa keeps insisting she doesn’t need help even though her whole damn house just burned down. If it were my house that burned down, I’d be wallowing in the drama like a dinner-theater actress Read more →

The Story of the Cathedral Ceiling

I’d close my blinds, but my laziness outweighs my confidence that there are actually people outside interested in my half-nakedness. I actually believe they wouldn’t really see me without looking twice anyway, and by the time Read more →