Inappropriate Conversation

10 Secrets to Surviving a Plane Wreck

It’s a fallacy to think you can’t survive a plane crash. In fact, surviving the impact is easy, it’s escaping the burning fuselage that takes talent.

1. Don’t drink. Hard, I know, but studies conducted by airlines in the aftermath of deadly evacuations show that the people who comprised the human brickettes left behind were most likely the drunks.

2. Look behind you. People tend to run forward in a panic, but often the difference between life and death is a simple Read more →

5 Surprising Ways to Lose Custody of Your Kids

For the past five years my sister has been blowing my mind with stories about the child-custody cases she’s witnessed while running her family-law practice. This extensive research (five years, people), has so far culminated in the following five surprising ways a perfectly good parent can lose custody in a divorce case:

1. Be the mother. The presumption that mothers have the upper hand in custody battles is a fallacy. Today, Dads have the advantage. My sister thinks it’s because judges are so used to fathers abandoning their kids that they to get all impressed when Read more →

Mom’s Top 20 Ways to Keep Your Young Ass from Gettin’ Killed

1. Stay off the internet. I know that’s, like, impossible, but seriously, the internet is just a giant bog of murdering child-molesting masturbaters. One in five kids who use the internet have experienced an unwanted sexual solicitation, and only 25% of them told a parent about it. Seventy seven percent of the targets of interline predators are 14 and older. The first sign that you are vulnerable to internet predators is thinking you are not vulnerable to internet predators.

2. If a stranger approaches you and tells you he’s a famous photographer and you’d make a wonderful cover model, kick him in the Read more →

More Reality Than You Can Handle

I was hoping to run into some reality stars while I was out in L.A., because I figure they flit around out there like fruit bats. But the only one I saw was Daniel Vosovic from the second season of “Project Runway,” and he was already too encrusted with suck-ass glommers for me to make it worse for him. Don’t get me wrong; I am not at all above tackling a reality TV star in public if I’m the only one subjecting him to the imposition, but I can’t jump into the fray once it’s already started. In short, I can initiate the misery, I just can’t add to it.

So I did not corner any reality stars or even contestants during my trip to L.A. for the national Book Expo last week, but I encountered something Read more →

How to Survive a Flaming Forklift

You would think that a flaming forklift would grab my attention, but it’s surprising how unobtrusive those things are in real life. “The forklift is on fire,” Chris said to me almost casually, and I wouldn’t have noticed anything was amiss but Read more →

Other Mothers

Grant’s mother was in town again and, as ever, I was amazed that she didn’t murder me the minute she saw me. Not that I deserve to be killed just for telling the truth about her horny-assed son in newspapers Read more →

Back on the Board

I did not even know it was possible to break your actual ass, but that is what I did. In fact, weeks later I am still limping around like an extra in Dawn of the Dead, complete with moaning, groaning and slobbering Read more →

Lovely Junk

There’s been a one-armed baby in my tree all month, which I didn’t think would be a big deal until the neighbors kept pointing it out like I misplaced it or something Read more →

A Seriously Fine Fire

I find it incredible that Lisa keeps insisting she doesn’t need help even though her whole damn house just burned down. If it were my house that burned down, I’d be wallowing in the drama like a dinner-theater actress Read more →

The Story of the Cathedral Ceiling

I’d close my blinds, but my laziness outweighs my confidence that there are actually people outside interested in my half-nakedness. I actually believe they wouldn’t really see me without looking twice anyway, and by the time Read more →