My new cat is a serial killer. I’ve finally had to come to terms with this after she kept coming up from the basement all groggy from feasting on woodland creatures she’d lured there from under the porch. It’s a shame, because I got attached to the chipmunks that hung out in my front yard. They’re all dead now and I feel bit guilty for introducing their killer into our territory. Another time I found the basement full of gray and black feathers. It looked like the aftermath of a really low-rent pillow fight. It took me awhile to find the bird they came from. It must have put up quite a fight. I have no idea how she got the bird in there. It did not come willingly, though, I am sure of that.
I would be fine with the carnage if she was capturing critters within the walls of our actual house, but she is somehow snatching them from outside and dragging them inside, where she feeds on them like a lion in its lair. Why can’t she just be satisfied with the food I give her? “Look, turkey and giblets!” I’ll exclaim excitedly. She pounces on it with a growl. But still she goes outside for more. Why does she have to go outside?
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My friend Grant wonders why I refuse to ask the handyman across the street to supply me with pirated cable like he has for everyone else on our block. “How can you turn down free cable?” Grant keeps insisting.
“I’m a rich business owner now,” I remind him.
“Like hell you are,” he counters, taking another sip from his iced Americano coffee made from beans probably plucked from leopard poo off the floor of the rainforest. “If you were rich you’d drive a fancier car and have better furniture, not to mention your house,” he continues. “Don’t even get me started about your house.”
“Okay, you want the truth?” I challenge. “The truth is I hate Read more →
CHURCH: It’s a (crowded) Bar
In 2010, at the genesis of his CHURCH bar, Grant Henry published a set of rules for the success of the business. Two years later CHURCH now pulls in over $1 million a year. Below are Grant’s initial rules and how well they fared:
THEN: “Smoking Only on the Patio: I value our lungs and I value smelling fresh when I leave CHURCH. (i still love you)”
NOW: “Best thing I ever did. Everyone thought I was stupid. Now all these other bars have all Read more →
Grant goddam Henry
Grant Henry is my best friend and probably the reason why I never married (very much). So for this reason he owes me, and I think he knows it, because sometimes I’m able to bend him to my whim, like when he Read more →
1. He’s my little brother. (Not really. but that’s how I feel about him.)
2. He’s opening a BBQ joint called Gunshow down the street from my house just for me. (Not really, but that’s how I feel about it.)
3. He should have won Top Chef season 6 — foiled by a matsutacke mushroom my ass!
4. He guest appears on Cartoon Network’s Archer.
5. Fucker can cook.
If I were to look back through my medical file to find the exact reason why it was so difficult for me to find reasonable health insurance recently, I could probably pinpoint it to the section that details my total tapeworm panic of 1998. Not that I actually had a tapeworm or had any rational reason to fear I did, it’s just that I’d recently returned from Costa Rica where I spent a week as a guest in my friend’s flooded garage, and here I was working for this big corporation with a full benefit package, so why not get a check up with complete CAT scan to ensure I didn’t smuggle any Read more →
If I’m going to be self-employed, aka poor, I suppose I should get the coupon situation figured out. I’ve been clipping them lately, but that’s about as far as I get. I keep forgetting to bring them with me to the grocery store. Hell, I keep forgetting to go to the grocery store. I end up having to buy things one at a time, in the order in which my supply is depleted, at gas-station convenience marts and such, where it costs five bucks for a box of Cheerios.
Then I come home, where Read more →
1. Psychopaths focus on the positive — Jodi Arias said, “Mark my words, no jury will convict me,” even though there were time-stamped photos of her holding her lover Travis Alexander’s severed head by the hair. (Practically)
2. Psychopaths don’t take things personally — Jodi Arias was hardly fazed when the prosecutor showed lurid blowups of the home porn she starred in with Travis right before she butchered him. Then she continued to calmly maintain she was Read more →
This post was going to be titled “5 Reasons I Can’t Meet You for Coffee” in response to the barrage of emails I get from people I’ve never met who want me to meet them for coffee to “go over their book idea.” Believe me, you do not want to have coffee with me. For one, I look nothing like my author photo. I’m freakishly photogenic sometimes. Consider the following two completely legitimate pictures taken just days apart: Read more →