Inappropriate Conversation

My Job Search: Bank Fraud Investogator

I saw a job on Indeed.com for a Bank Fraud Investigator for Plains Capitol Bank in Dallas, TX. Here is my cover letter:

Hello. Holy crap, I’d be the BEST bank fraud investigator EVER. I have gotten really good at spotting fraudulent banks. Until now it’s been because I deposited all my money with them, but that there just proves dedication. Take, for example, when Bank of America conveniently forgot I’d linked my checking account to my savings account for overdraft protection, then charged me $600 in overdraft fees. It took me only Read more →

My Job Search: World Travel Coordinator

 New book coming soon on Kindle!

 

I saw a job opening for World Travel Coordinator for Ponte Travels in Seattle, WA, on Indeed.com. Here is my cover letter:

Hello. Just so you know, I’d rock holy hell out of this job, because who wouldn’t want to be a WORLD TRAVEL COORDINATOR? First, I’m an AMAZING coordinator AND I’m a serious world traveler. I’ve been everywhere except India, where I would have gone two years ago, but my daughter refused because she didn’t want to miss a slumber party (I swear this is true) (and it goes to show how much I’ve spoiled her travel-wise).

Soon she’ll be attending Berkeley, where until recently I planned to get a job as a cafeteria lady so I could embarrass her every day (“Hi, Honey, I think I can feel all my moles changing color”), but then she one-upped me by promising me Read more →

My Job Search: Whale Watch Supervisor

I saw a job opening for a “Whale Watch Supervisor” in Hawaii on Indeed.com, so I applied for it. Here’s my cover letter:

“Hello.

First, wow, this is the first I’ve ever even HEARD of a “whale watcher supervisor,” but I thoroughly believe it is definitely, without a doubt, absolutely probably the best job in the history of the universe. Does the whale-watcher supervisor get to have whale-watcher subordinates? Like lower-level whale watchers I’d get to boss around and tell things like, Read more →

Grant Henry is Opening a Revival Retreat!

 

Grant Henry is thinking of becoming an official preacher, and bought a bunch of land somewhere, where he is planning to create a camp called Sister Louisa’s Revival, where he plans to host retreats and such. Of course the media is going apeshit. “He’s at it again!” they’re saying. Social media maven that Grant is, he’s been on Facebook asking people for their thoughts and advice on the matter. So I thought I’d give him my thoughts and advice on the matter. I did this by buying the domain SisterLouisasRevival.com, so that when he clicks on it he gets this.

 

My New Cat is a Serial Killer

smile catMy new cat is a serial killer. I’ve finally had to come to terms with this after she kept coming up from the basement all groggy from feasting on woodland creatures she’d lured there from under the porch. It’s a shame, because I got attached to the chipmunks that hung out in my front yard. They’re all dead now and I feel bit guilty for introducing their killer into our territory. Another time I found the basement full of gray and black feathers. It looked like the aftermath of a really low-rent pillow fight. It took me awhile to find the bird they came from. It must have put up quite a fight. I have no idea how she got the bird in there. It did not come willingly, though, I am sure of that.

I would be fine with the carnage if she was capturing critters within the walls of our actual house, but she is somehow snatching them from outside and dragging them inside, where she feeds on them like a lion in its lair. Why can’t she just be satisfied with the food I give her? “Look, turkey and giblets!” I’ll exclaim excitedly. She pounces on it with a growl. But still she goes outside for more. Why does she have to go outside?

Have You Seen This Beautiful Motherfucking Dog?

slide_3749_53121_large

For your own awesome dog, go to Angels Among Us pet rescue and gitcher ass one immediately!! They are AWESOME!!

Renting Men

My friend Grant wonders why I refuse to ask the handyman across the street to supply me with pirated cable like he has for everyone else on our block.  “How can you turn down free cable?” Grant keeps insisting.

“I’m a rich business owner now,” I remind him.

“Like hell you are,” he counters, taking another sip from his iced Americano coffee made from beans probably plucked from leopard poo off the floor of the rainforest. “If you were rich you’d drive a fancier car and have better furniture, not to mention your house,” he continues. “Don’t even get me started about your house.”

“Okay, you want the truth?” I challenge. “The truth is I hate Read more →

Grant Henry’s CHURCH Rules of Success

CHURCH: It’s a (crowded) Bar

In 2010, at the genesis of his CHURCH bar, Grant Henry published a set of rules for the success of the business. Two years later CHURCH now pulls in over $1 million a year. Below are Grant’s initial rules and how well they fared:

THEN: “Smoking Only on the Patio:  I value our lungs and I value smelling fresh when I leave CHURCH.  (i still love you)”
NOW: “Best thing I ever did. Everyone thought I was stupid. Now all these other bars have all Read more →

Tuesdays with Grant: 3 Reasons Why He Should Buy Me a Manor

Grant goddam Henry

 

Grant Henry is my best friend and probably the reason why I never married (very much). So for this reason he owes me, and I think he knows it, because sometimes I’m able to bend him to my whim, like when he Read more →

5 Reasons Why I Love the Hell Out of Top Chef’s Kevin Gillespie

 

1. He’s my little brother. (Not really. but that’s how I feel about him.)

2. He’s opening a BBQ joint called Gunshow down the street from my house just for me. (Not really, but that’s how I feel about it.)

3. He should have won Top Chef  season 6 — foiled by a matsutacke mushroom my ass!

4. He guest appears on Cartoon Network’s Archer.

5. Fucker can cook.